Marks and Sponsor

This is that time of the year, when you get calls from excited parents that their kid has scored a 70%, 80% or 90% in the board exams.

I recall several years back when I had scored 93% and had topped the UT of Pondicherry. ‘Excitement’ seems a small word to describe what my parents went through. I was,suddenly a celebrity. There was the ‘All India Radio’ interview (no TV channels back then), newspaper write- ups, magazine coverage and several award ceremonies organized by the Rotary Club, Lions club etcetera.

I realized very soon that my parents deserved all the accolades for the countless sacrifices they had made. From my side, there were some too – No movies or TV for a year (access denied by Mom), no summer vacation (was doing the entire Math syllabus through private tutoring), no holidays or picnics. Since it was an all girls convent school in a small town, there were anyways no scope for style statements or boyfriends. My Mom must have done more church visits than what a local parish priest would, in his lifetime. Whether it was ingenuity, drudgery, austerity, divinity or just destiny, no one can say. But it paid off. Today, I am one among the happy, financially astute, free thinking being... thanks to my parents

Over the years, several things have changed in Urban India as regards child-rearing.... but one thing has remained constant – the penchant for educating the little ones. Indian parents worldwide not only try to give the best education to their child but also sponsor the child’s education right through college…. and sensibly so. Last August in America alone, student loans surpassed credit card loans as the nation’s single largest source of debt, edging close to $1 trillion. But back home no usurious fees, defaulted loans or vicious harassment for our kids. 

Three cheers for all the parents whose kids completed school.  Marks or no marks, you have every reason to rejoice.

What if .. the Brits hadn’t come to India

Last week, I was forced to watch an IPL match Bangalore vs Kolkata (since my hubby was in town and the remote in his hand) Chris Gayle was batting sixes and fours against Brett Lee and the crowd was squealing in ectasy. Vijay Mallya and Shah Rukh sat in the Chinnaswamy stadium with different expressions..  one with content and the other with contempt.

My thoughts drifted off to something different. Cricket is an amazing game, no doubt. To get the ball to make contact with the bat is itself a feat and to hit off over 100 meters is truly clap worthy or in the ‘whistle podu’ category. Hats off to the British.  Amongst the few good things they left behind, cricket is surely one of them. I would say the second best.

Now for the other things - The ubiquitous English language, without which we would have been another Babel. How would a Mallu have communicated with a Delhite or a Bengali with a Gujarati? We would have needed a lot of interpreters. (As far as the Oriyas are concerned, we would still require interpreters for their English) I don’t think Hindi would have ever become a pan-Indian tongue.The regional languages would have, in fact, become stronger, since we would have studied our Math and science in the regional dialect. It feels nightmarish to think we would have read the Gravitation constant as ‘ஈர்ப்பின்பொதுமாறிலி’ (Tamil). And how about this आइन्सटाइन का सापेक्षता सिद्धांत  (Aensataen ka sapekshata siddhant) ? - that’s Einstein’s theory of relativity!

Among the other goodies in the legacy basket are roads, railways,clubs and monogamy. Not sure whether to classify monogamy as good or bad. Our ancestors deserve a bow for having had many wives ... and managing them well 'cos I don't remember having read about any complaining wife in our history books. Wonder what went wrong down the line. But, going by the number of Infertility clinics and the sale of performance enhancing drugs, something definitely has. Did you guys hear of the latest product - Viagra coated condoms. Kya invention Sirji..err 3G .. Protection against
1. Pregnancy
2. HIV and
3. Erectile Dysfunction.

Well, we are a part of the British Commonwealth, one among the 54 countries which were part of the British Empire. As a commoner I didn't understand the significance of common wealth, till Suresh Kalmadi did the honours. I still don't understand why Mozambique, a former Portugese colony is a member of Commonwealth. But I am happy that India is a part of an organization where there is no China and America. How else would you see India among the top of a Medal Table?

In my opinion, topping the list of 'Best things the Brits did to India' is - Partitioning the region.
                             
                                    Thank God for a PAkIstaN-less India

                       Who let the .... out? woof woof .... the Brit Men

(Related - "Who let the dogs out?" was a popular song by a group called Baha Men in 2000)

College Coochie coos

Most of us have had our first romantic encounters in college. My first kiss happened during my second year in college, when I moved into the hostel. It happened one hot summer night under the porch of a dimly lit building.  I came to know later that it was the Hospital Mortuary and I was understandably .... mortified!!

I joined the rank of ‘already taken’ girls and ‘in-love’ couples and started to indulge in what girls and boys of that age would normally do .. Coochie coo.... Bushes were our first choice and bikes doubled up as an indicator for bush occupancy.

Once there was an acute shortage of nocturnal meeting place. Statistically speaking, the Bush / Couple ratio dropped. So, my Mallu friend who had recently acquired a Telugu boyfriend and I decided to go 'Cootchi-coo place' hunting. Torch in hand and self-interest in mind we went searching one night. We listed about 10 places and did a Red Hot Count Down for the Numero uno spot. It turned out to be an abandoned kitchen of the Tuberculosis Department!

Life went on. My friend and I married the guys we dated.  Her marriage is going strong and mine didn't.

       MORGUE

           
           Moral of the story

Under a mistletoe, there is always a kiss

Outside a morgue, better give it a miss!

Its time to RAP up

I am glad that most of us are rap lyric ignoramus. The lyrics are so nonsensical and preposterous that it will make our ears and eyes hurt and our hearts cringe to know that our Gen X is happily singing along.

It ranges from oral fixations like “Got a Bill in my mouth like I'm Hillary Rodham”  to frank obscene stuff like "I stay by Grandma Nana I lay by my banana, dumpin' and punkin' monkeys."

If you thought that was bad, this is more grimy “'I'll Put my foot so deep in yo' ass that you can smell it and you breath will turn to footlocker water repellant.’ and this one is not for the faint-hearted  ‘ur mum has aids she smokes tampons she snorts crack off her hairy back'

Well, not all are crazy, there are some Yash Raj moments too (romantic and non sleazy !!!)

“Honey got a booty like pow pow pow

Honey got some boobies like wow oh wow”

O my Gosh, that’s some latino style woo woo woo !

Here’s another poor guy is trying to describe a girl without being disrespectful “You’re a sexy bitch” . Hmmmm.. that’s respectful indeed. By the way, its not uncommon to hear our teens address each other as B**** very endearingly. Should check up whether OED has added a new meaning to the term.

God bless. Ignorance is bliss

Now for some original rap from me

“They rap for money and stack it in piles, i do for fun honey and i got much style.
Money is power and all thats hip hop, i don shake ma booty and am right on top”