Mera Hindi ki Kahani

I come from a place where people believe that everything north of Chennai is North India. Technically it is correct.... but the people of AP and MP would not agree. Welcome to the land of Tamils where the Dravidian parties in their so called zest to maintain the linguistic culture ensured that there was no foreign language. Yes, and that sadly included Hindi.  Ironically, the18th Tamilnadu Assembly passed a resolution for English to be the sole official language after a week long anti-hindi agitation in 1986. So I grew up along with millions of others, blissfully unaware of the perils of not knowing Hindi, till I got an offer from WHO to be posted in Hyderabad.

That’s how I landed in the 'North-of-Chennai' India.  My Hindi was at its infancy. Those days, thanda pani referred to  Mr Dhandpani, a lungi clad Madurai man showing his striped chadhis. Azhagiri is gonna send his goons after me for maligning the name of his kingdom !!!

(Party game - Who can pronounce Azhagiri's name correctly?)

I am a quick learner.  I started picking up Hindi sans grammar, understandably so, since my driver was my 'Wren and Martin'. A perfect win–win situation - I pick up Hindi and he picks up English. Flash forward seven years when I quit WHO, I remained an excited Hindi virgin.. having flirted but still waiting...:-(

I once excitedly declared to my friends that I picked up great shoes at ‘Mokki ‘ (spelt Mochi). I had assumed it to be an Italian chain like Mocha the Italian coffee. My friends ROFL (rolled on the floor laughing) saying it was pronounced Mochchi meaning 'the cobbler'. They now call me Mokki.

As of now, for me Yeh Saali Zindagi translates to ‘His sister-in-law’s life’, Khan is pronounced as Kaan  (not from the epiglottis) and grammar is largely Hyderabadi. Parson could mean anything from yesterday to yesteryears. And the letters I T C H  can be suffixed to any letter /word excepting B. 

My worst nightmare is when any of my patients have a problem with a medicine, I dread to say "leave it" in Hindi 'cos I still have’nt figured out whether its ‘ch’ with a ‘dh’ or its ‘ch’ with a ‘dd’. I just smile and tell, "leave karo". 

For a few dollars less

When my friends daughter said that she had returned from Cambodia after a holiday, my first reaction was 'Why Cambodia?’ Then the question changed  to 'Where Cambodia'.  Just a click and I got to know all I needed to about the place. I also realized that I was in love with Larry Page. For those clueless, Larry Page is the founding Google CEO and I can’t imagine a life without Google.  

So off I go to Cambodia, on a backpack trip with two other lady friends. No complaints here. At least I did n't have wait outside men’s wash room during the entire trip.

First off, as soon you come out of the Siem Reap airport, there is no limo pick up. You will only find this omnipotent Tuk-tuks, which are not the kind you would find in India or Thailand. Here it is a completely visible motorcycle  to which is attached a trailer with 2 seats which makes you feel like a Mysore Maharajah, with the horses replaced by a Honda scooty. 

There is something American about the place. To begin with they use US dollars for everyday transactions but  they pronounce it  'dolllaaaahh'. The next thing American you will notice is Angelina Jolie. She seems to be very popular here thanks to her movie tomb Raider shot at  Anghkor Wat which my friend fondly calls 'Jolie Mata ka Temple'.  If she fought an election, I am sure she would win hands down. Lastly the locals speak American English.

We spent 3 days in Angkhor Wat with a Cambodian friend marvelling at the ancient Hindu temples. It is mind boggling to say the least. What is baffling more than the enormity is how it was built? The night life in Siem Reap would make Hyderabad seem like Las Vegas. For  an average guy visiting this place, keeping Bangkok in mind the experience would be a let down in the true sense .. no Asian girls walking the streets here wearing nothing but fragrance.

I am full-on Thailand fan, having been there several times. But Cambodia still gets my vote . Where else can you get a foot massage for 2 dolllaaaah and a meal for two with beer for just 5 dolllaaaah?

Comedy of errors

I have nothing against stand-up comedians. I always thought that they were a harmless category of professionals until I attended a Food Awards Night at Hyderabad last Saturday. My friends and I reached the venue only to find the bar closed, since that seemed to be the only fool-proof method to get the audience seated. Cheers to the organizers, for having shut the only source entertainment for the evening.

Well, the program started. It was hosted by a so called celebrity anchor, who also doubled up as a stand-up comedian or was it vice versa. He embarked on this one-liner delivery mission, which were mostly anti-women and anti-marriage.  First off, why anti-woman jokes? Secondly why on marriage? Thirdly, why on food? and lastly Arre baba .. why the same old jokes from the internet?

Sample this - Why do married women put on weight and single women remain slim? The answer apparently is - Married women see what is on the bed and then go to the refrigerator and the single women see what’s in the refrigerator and then go to bed. I didn't find it funny even when I read it the first time... only an anorexic gay psychopath could have come with that one!  

Or this …If a man opens the car door, it means either the girl is new or the car is new.  Can’t he be my chauffeur, for Christ’s sake!

This one takes the cake....How does a man know that he has put on weight.. when the weighing scale says one a time please.This guy had completely forgotten that we were there to applaud the best eating places in the city and not on a weight reduction campaign.

This doling out of one-liners went on and on and we had to sit through it dolefully for two full hours, listening to all the emails forwards which we otherwise happily click and delete.  And then he started taking comedy to the next level, by making fun of the awardees, the chief guest and the audience.  The only person who laughed consistently at all the jokes was himself. Few others who were laughing, were laughing at him.  We couldn’t agree with him more when he said that “Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak”. It was then that we did what we should have done ages back….we made a quick and quiet exit to the food counter.

On the way back, one of my friends nicely summed it up. If you pay peanuts, you know what you get!