From Jaywalking to Jai Walking

I love America for a number of reasons. One of the most important reasons is that pedestrians are given a lot of importance. Cars stop for them probably because they feel sorry they are on foot or because of stringent pedestrian-friendly traffic laws. But not so in Miami . That’s what I learnt from my recent visit. Welcome to the American city with the Indian kind of traffic sense. If you visited Miami with the idea that people were going to yield to you in crosswalks like the rest of American cities… you gotta think again. If pedestrians don’t get out of the way of drivers in Miami, they deserve what they get, which is, I guess, getting killed. They should actually put that as an advisory note for international tourists. For Indians they could actually write ‘Feel at home in Miami’.

Traveling on Indian Roads by foot is an humbling experience by itself which sometimes may be hilarious or sometimes exhilarating but always dangerous. Urban Indians have long acquired the skills of crossing a busy four lane traffic signal which has absolutely no ‘green’ signal for pedestrians. We have figured out which is the best time to make a kill and when to lie low. It is an art by itself. We know the maxim followed by all wheeled vehicles in India - Thou shall not slow or brake till you reach your destination' which can be read as ‘Do not falter or fail till you reach your goal’

We, the road travellers also follow a maxim – Live and let live. Live to see another day, without getting knocked down by trucks, buses, government vehicles and the occasional BMWs and Audis driven by drunken children of politicians, bureaucrats, businessmen and those with loads of ‘black’ money, which incidentally is all of the above. And letting live, by walking alongside cows, buffalos, bicycles, handcarts and the omnipresent Peedestrians ( Peeing Pedestrians... Ooooh Boy, I love this term I coined) 

For the new entrants to city life, the Road traffic Authorities should dole out some short courses for road travellers on ‘How to cross Indian roads?.. or  how to catch a bus in India .. and if you do catch a bus, how to hang on outside the bus without falling?

While on this topic, hope you guys know what Jaywalking means. It is a term commonly used in North America to refer to reckless pedestrian crossing the road causing disturbance to the traffic. By that definition, all our pedestrians would be considered as Jaywalkers. At least they are walking !!!  Signing off with this quote by Lewis Mumford, an American historian known for his study of cities and urban architecture,

"Restore human legs as a means of travel. Pedestrians rely on food for fuel 

and need no special parking facilities – 

The day Indians start using toilet paper

Time again to travel .. this time to US. My husband had let his first passport with 10 year validity, expire without a single visa stamping. That was before he met me. Now he is on the third passport within the same validity period since the pages got full. He has gotten so used to international travel. He has the same check-in bag whether we are off to Calcutta or Canada. But for international travel, he carries a small backpack with a quintessential empty mineral water bottle. Yes … AN EMPTY WATER BOTTLE!!  Am sure you have understood where am coming to - the empty bottle is a refill for butt-washing. The security check guys must be finding this weird. Others empty the water and throw the bottle ... whereas we throw the water and keep the empty bottle. 

I found this habit regressive initially ... Not anymore. 

Want to know why? - If every Indian starts using toilet papers, we would have to cut around 6 billion trees annually just for cleaning the tushies. At this rate we will cause more damage to the Earth than any other country can possible do.

An American or a Brit, who has only ever seen a toilet roll next to a toilet, may travel abroad and find one of the five following devices at his or her disposal.

• A porcelain bidet
• A bucket or barrel of water with a scooper ( found in most parts of India. Recently found this in 10 Downing St.. no .. not the one in UK.. but an upmarket night club in Hyderabad.. yes folks Hyderabad is having water problems )
• A shower spray called the health faucet (some call it bum shower)
• An electronic toilet seat that dispenses sprays or jets of warm water and may also air-dry the area (found this in Korea and Japan) 
• A pipe that shoots water upwards. (this one is tricky 'cos requires right placement)

There may be more systems than these five, but these are the common alternatives to simply using dry tissue paper to clean up. In rural and suburban India, it is not uncommon to see open air defecation ... railway track being an optional luxury. Quoting my dear friend George - 'Why do women cover their faces with the saree when pooping on the railway track?  Answer- One can identilfy the face.... but not the base!

Let us understand why westerners started using toilet papers. Using water to clean up was a bit uncomfortable out there due to the cold climate. Try cleaning your privates with ice cold water on a chill morning weather. Moreover, their food had less water content and their feces could be cleaned off easily with tissue papers as it was less messy. Wondering what they did before toilet paper?  ... well they used corncobs, sea shells, leaves and other natural resources.

But in a tropical country like India or other South East Asian countries, the usage of tissue papers to clean up could be considered nothing less than aping the western culture sans logic. Indian food has 70% water content and the poop is 85% water. It’s really messy to clean with tissue papers and that’s why we have been using water for many generations and we have been doing good.

If the westerners scoff at our habits, we have only to retort back that behind every half-clean tissue-wiped bottom are thousands of others using water to clean theirs. We , Indians, care for the environment ... butt naturally !!

Auto-filling your thoughts

Are you lost, unsure or bored? Then you can entertain yourself by trying some google autofills. It works like this... if you type the words “why do ” into Google’s query box it will lead you to a drop-down list of searches suggesting the next most likely conclusions. I have done this several times and trust me, it truly funny. These Google’s search engine algorithms, I understand are prompted by one’s location and often by search preferences. While some are in awe for its uncanny predictive accuracy, others find it as obnoxious as an intrusive Mom-in law.  I get a feeling the Google auto complete must have been designed by a married woman since they are adept in completing  thierhusbands' sentences, thoughts and questions.  

Try typing...'Is it Wr ' 

It is not only wrong Sir, it is probably a bad idea too to sleep with your mother, dog, cousin or your teacher. 


Here are some more funny ones. Type ' Do fa ', you would get the following prompts
1. Do farts light up on fire ?   (the answer is YES .. but don't try it.. there are simpler ways to have ur A** on fire like using certain words on ur boss)
2. Do farts have germs?  ( I checked out this one out and the answer is No ) 


Now on to some Indian Politicians 

Try Manmohan Singh.and the first thing which shows up is ..Manmohan Singh  is a puppet 

Try Narendra Modi and you will get 
.... is a married man
.....is a bastard
.... is a criminal
Narender Modi is not alone. A Japanese man discovered that the autocomplete function produced results of criminal acts in association with his name and has filed a petition against Google demanding it suspends the autocomplete function. 


Of late, many people have started hating Google instant. I wonder why the company is restricting the search when they claim they want to increase the user experience. Though there are various suggestions on how to turn off google's auto-suggestions by adjusting the settings, the simplest I do is ignore them and complete what I intended to. 


Either wear blinders or be prepared to get amused. 

Son over Self

Met up at a friends birthday party last week .. a few drinks down, good finger food and the Karachi bakery's  birthday cake kindled the arm chair activists in us and soon we were talking about 

UPA3 vs NDA

Rahul versus Modi

Congress vs Jagan

Chandra Babu Naidu vs other fitness experts ( assuming people compete only in their core  competence field)

Pranab Mukerjee vs .. well no one

Though the post for the president of India is a largely ceremonial post, this time it came up for a lot of debate.

The incumbent by all accounts had  the hallmarks of the government she represented  — ineffectual and damaged by accusations of corruption. Pratibha Devisingh Patil  was allotted defence land to build a cosy retirement nest. With 12 trips overseas since taking over, she also racked up foreign travel bills that cost India more than 2 billion rupees ($39 million), the most by any Indian head of state. Such lavishness has even led some to question the whole presidential institution within a parliamentary democracy. The president is the constitutional head but has limited powers, similar to that of the Queen in the UK despite living in a 340 room palace that was once the British Viceroy's residence .

If the position has limited power and Pranab Mukerjee is an epitome for austerity, then why this controversy .. controversy di?

Because … Pranab Mukerjee had to be cleared off the path to the prime ministerial post so that the Gandhi scion..... one Mr Rahul Gandhi can plonk his well moisturised derriere on it. If someone asked me I would rather have Amitabh Bachchan as the President. At least we wouldn’t need an interpreter to interpret his English or the chairman of the Tata Group, Mr Ratan Tata who is retiring in December may well be the best brand ambassador to project India’s growing business clout overseas. But who asks me ?

Good work to Mommy dear. She even got Mamta to do a complete U turn to support Pranabji. There are indications that she may even lead the 2014 campaign with Rahul as the PM candidate.  True Indian motherly feelings here. Son above self.  If she was any Italian she would be vying the chair herself. With over 500 political dynasties in India who between themselves have practically cornered almost all the political posts both in the centre and state, there is nothing wrong in one poor widow struggling to get her son into the family business.

Migliori auguri to Sonia!! ( ‘Best wishes’ in Italian) 

Midriff Crisis

Recently Walt Disney has decided to ban ads for junk food on its television channels, radio stations and websites, hoping to stop kids from eating badly and become obese. The reason?  ... more than one-third of U.S. adults (35.7%) are obese. I guess they are not too concerned about the person having obesity-related conditions like heart disease, stroke, diabetes as much as the costs associated with obesity which is expected to run over $344 billion. Non health-related changes include replacing wall-mounted toilets with floor models to better support obese patients. better buses for heavier riders, more gasoline consumption etc. Its all about money finally. 


May be they should learn a few things from the Japanese. Thanks to an Anti-obesity law passed in 2008, the middle aged Japanese across the nation are pulling up their shirts to have their midriff measured. A male with a waistline of more than 33.5 inches is considered fat. For a female, the limit is 35.4 inches. Those with excessive junk in the trunk are forced to undergo counseling with a doctor. The country simply said, “Heyy buddy, you look fat in that outfit. In fact you look fat in every outfit because ..get this,  YOU ARE FAT.  You need to see someone about that, man.” That's not it. For every grotesquely fat employee, the company gets hit by a fine. 


On one hand, this seems absolutely crazy and sounds like the kind of horrible eugenic policy that Hitler would admire. But when you think about it, it seems that only the truly crazy ones can get this thing done. The goal of all this is to prevent Japan from experiencing an obesity epidemic like other industrialized nations (read US)  Less the overweight people, lower the health care costs. It's time America institutes some of its own bizarre laws to have slimmer people. 


India is not far behind. The overall obesity average is 12%. Punjab is almost in par with America - 30% males and 37% females !!!  States like Bihar, MP and Bengal have the lowest rate 5-6%. Is India doing anything at all?  The answer is No. We did nothing for educating people on Diabetes and today we proudly have the title of being the Diabetic capital of the world. 

Obesity is not a personal problem. Individual choices would help though. But any intelligent government with reasonable long sightedness (not ours definitely) would consider it as a public health problems and tackle it accordingly. I have often wondered why many people are comfortable in their plus sized clothes. Their logic probably is 

"When we lose twenty pounds…we may be losing the best twenty pounds we have!

 We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.”

- Woody Allen

But Life still goes on

June continues to be the dullest month in the year. Was reading my last year blog 'June the Monday of the month' ( http://sandwichandpeanuts.blogspot.in/2011/06/june-monday-of-months.html). I  could as well repeat the same. Not much has changed. IPL got over. Ramdev is back in the news. He has got his timing right since this is only time when he can make it to the  headlines. Shahrukh is back on chat shows. Jagan is still having problems. And poor Mamata was in  the limelight for having done a jig at Eden garden. Heat continues ... monsoons delayed ... power cuts.. water problem .. petrol hike...gold crossed Rs 30,000 .. rupee falls further...one odd bandh. But life still goes on.


We are living in uncertain times and there seems to be no early end in sight. We create opportunities to be happy. America celebrated June 1 as the National Donut Day!!  Dunkin Donuts gave away one free donut with the purchase of every beverage.  


The rest of the European countries meanwhile have increased the level of security threat in the wake of recent events in Central Europe. I am quoting below the complete article by John Cleese on  ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE.since it is the funniest I have read in the recent times. 


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "angry Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person 


A final thought Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Seven Year Itch

My seventh wedding anniversary definitely called for something special ... from Saat phere to tiding over the seven year itch is not something easy these days. Heard from somewhere that this period is drastically lowered from six months to four years these days. Btw there is special color for the seventh year too.. it is off-white.

Our options were limited. Most of our close friends were travelling. If one couple went to Kenya, the other were holidaying in Czech and another had left to Belarus. Yes.. you heard that right .. Belarus, a small landlocked country south of Russia with a population of 9.5 million, a little more than Hyderabad. Anyways the point here is (1) People are travelling everywhere (2) No friends .. no party.

One option was to spend the night ‘royally’ … just the two of us and what better way to do it than staying in one India's magnificent palace hotels, the nearest palace hotel being Taj Falanama. But with the temperature hovering around 42C, the idea evaporated as quickly as it came. I still have great fascination for palaces and greater respect for the kings. The ability to have maintained so many wives speaks for itself. Wondering whether they celebrated their wedding anniversary or just married every year? 

Anyways we brought in the celebration by clubbing and then went out for midnight dinner.. just the two of us.  We decided to simplify the customary mutual gift exchange ceremony. We shopped for ourselves and had lunch at home. And what better way to finish the day than an 'IPL after hours party'? ... that too, in a day when the Decccan Chargers won one decent match against Bangalore which sent Chennai into the semifinal... Geeez, that Dhoni guy is sure lucky. Watched the cheer leaders shake their booties, the super models walk the ramp, some of the players, supporters and commentators catching up over a drink. 

We ran through the memory lane just for kicks ... Jab We Met to Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. But somewhere in a quiet unsaid moment we added an annual ring to our relationship. 

In the final seventh phere, the couple pray for togetherness, loyalty and understanding between themselves. After that, there are no more rounds. You only add rings - rings that affirm the strength of the relationship. 


Let me dedicate this Shania Twain's number on this occasion 'You are still the one'


They said "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life