Flash back 15 years

17^th September 1997 was the day when I first came to Hyderabad. An appointment letter from the World Health Organization and a suitcase in hand, I boarded the Indian Airlines flight from Chennai and reached Begumpet. Took the ambassador cab which had to be pushed by couple of others to start, only to reach the nearest petrol station where the cabbie filled all of 1.652 litres of petrol just enough to get me to Koti. It took me 2 hours to reach, since Lord Ganesh was getting his customary annual immersion and the poor soul from Pondicherry was not aware of this practice.

Anyways checked into Hotel Siddartha at Koti. Have to mention that the reception guy asked me strange questions and the bell boy gave me stranger looks. It appeared that this was the first time a young (pretty)woman checked into this hotel all by herself and probably stayed all by herself for a whole week! Ahhh…I felt like a non-pregnant Vidya Balan in Kahaani, on a mission. Technically I was on a mission too - a mission to eradicate Polio. I was given 14 districts … entire Telangana and Vizag,Vizianagaram, Srikakulam, East and West Godavari. My job?...Well .. was to set up a surveillance system for reporting cases of paralysis among children. That’s how things work. We had to have a full proof system to establish that all cases were reported. If we only trusted our Indian Govt officials and politicians to do this, we would eradicated Polio ages back… at least on paper.

Now back to the first day in office. I had to report at the Commissionerate of Family Welfare at Koti, I took the manual rickshaw (where one has to almost squat …these things are now extinct) from the hotel at 8.45 am. Reached the office at 9.00am, only to find no one there. It was a scene out of Will Smith’s ‘ I am legend’… eerie..humanless and yes there was a dog. After almost an hour there appeared some one who looked like an officer, but later I came to know he was the attender but as good as a officer, since he did most things in that office. The cleaning lady came in at 10.30 and brought out at least 50 cigarette butts from no where. The rest of the govt. guys came in between 10.45- 11.am. I introduced myself. Then at 11.30 almost everyone disappeared ... no.. not in the ordering of reporting for work ... they disappeared all at once. It was apparently the GREAT HYDERABADI TEA BREAK. Anyways I introduced myself again after the tea break. Clearly I was not welcome there since I did not know Hindi, Urdu or Telugu ... neither did I smoke nor like Irani chai.

But the next few months changed it all. A hefty salary with perks, a 540 mm Mahindra jeep, a laptop, pager, mobile and most importantly the access to control nearly 30 lakhs for training all the govt doctors works like magic. Felt powerful driving the non-power steering jeep and felt important being the second person to carry the laptop to the govt meetings, after Mr Chandrababu Naidu. Btw, both these helped to me build my biceps … yepp those days, laptops weighed 5 kgs… and I was only 45 kgs then :-( 

The next few years saw me travel to the cities, towns, districts, mandals and villages. Stayed at hotels with room tariff of Rs 100- Rs10,000/ night. There were hotels with beauty parlors, some without and one low-budget hotel in a town in Adilabad district where the door bell rang at 6.am. I opened the door and saw this middle aged, strict looking man with a bag in hand and a scowl on his face. He introduced himself  ’ Main Barber hoon, shaving karna kya?’.  Don't know who was more shocked ... me or he when he realized I was the sole occupant of the room!

I can go on and on, but you guys would get bored. So I am cutting the long story short. I thoroughly enjoyed my work in this state. People are very warm and loving here. Never thought that I would settle here permanently but I did . Andhra Pradesh not only gave me a new life ... it gave a partner as well! 

Where do Jewellery come from?

In a recent party, one of our good friends told a joke on where jewellery comes from… and it is not the jewellery store. That where we buy it…here we are talking about where the money for the jewellery comes from. I cannot possibly put that one on this blog, so here’s an equivalent

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." Then the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very Pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Traditionally in Indian families, it is a gift from parents during the marriage. Subsequently it is from the husband depending on many variables like how much he loves her, how well she pleases him or whether he is having an extra marital affair. Of course, there are instances where women like me buy their own jewellery. Heard somewhere that jewelry is the only thing that can take a women’s mind off wrinkles.

Indian women love gold. This is a widely known fact. Last week the People Daily Online, the official online newspaper of the communist Party of China carried an article wherein it said and I quote “In India it will be impolite if women go out without any jewellery. Among all kinds of jewellery Indians prefer gold. Indians have black skin and wearing gold jewelry can highlight this feature”  The thing I hate about this statement was commenting on Indian skin color in a derogatory kind of way….and the part I loved about the statement was not differentiating between North Indians and South Indians. Take note, my beloved North Indian friends, the world sees all of us Indians as dark, dusky and may be even dirty!!

Gold is just not for vanity. It also serves as an investment. A housewife could easily buy and just as easily convert it to cash. Now for some gold digging into the past. Veterans skip this part… this is for my young and new gold buyers. This list shows the trend of gold price per 10 gms in India over the last few decades... res ipsa loquitur !

1930 - Rs 18

1940 - Rs 36

1950 - Rs 99

1960 - Rs.111

1970 - Rs 184

1980 - Rs 1330

1990 - Rs 3200

2000 - Rs 4400

2010 - Rs 15000

2012 - Rs 32000

Whatever may be the source,... Ladies, go ahead and buy jewelry.!! 

And guys please take note

"All that glitters may not be gold

But gold was the first remote control, I am told"

From Jaywalking to Jai Walking

I love America for a number of reasons. One of the most important reasons is that pedestrians are given a lot of importance. Cars stop for them probably because they feel sorry they are on foot or because of stringent pedestrian-friendly traffic laws. But not so in Miami . That’s what I learnt from my recent visit. Welcome to the American city with the Indian kind of traffic sense. If you visited Miami with the idea that people were going to yield to you in crosswalks like the rest of American cities… you gotta think again. If pedestrians don’t get out of the way of drivers in Miami, they deserve what they get, which is, I guess, getting killed. They should actually put that as an advisory note for international tourists. For Indians they could actually write ‘Feel at home in Miami’.

Traveling on Indian Roads by foot is an humbling experience by itself which sometimes may be hilarious or sometimes exhilarating but always dangerous. Urban Indians have long acquired the skills of crossing a busy four lane traffic signal which has absolutely no ‘green’ signal for pedestrians. We have figured out which is the best time to make a kill and when to lie low. It is an art by itself. We know the maxim followed by all wheeled vehicles in India - Thou shall not slow or brake till you reach your destination' which can be read as ‘Do not falter or fail till you reach your goal’

We, the road travellers also follow a maxim – Live and let live. Live to see another day, without getting knocked down by trucks, buses, government vehicles and the occasional BMWs and Audis driven by drunken children of politicians, bureaucrats, businessmen and those with loads of ‘black’ money, which incidentally is all of the above. And letting live, by walking alongside cows, buffalos, bicycles, handcarts and the omnipresent Peedestrians ( Peeing Pedestrians... Ooooh Boy, I love this term I coined) 

For the new entrants to city life, the Road traffic Authorities should dole out some short courses for road travellers on ‘How to cross Indian roads?.. or  how to catch a bus in India .. and if you do catch a bus, how to hang on outside the bus without falling?

While on this topic, hope you guys know what Jaywalking means. It is a term commonly used in North America to refer to reckless pedestrian crossing the road causing disturbance to the traffic. By that definition, all our pedestrians would be considered as Jaywalkers. At least they are walking !!!  Signing off with this quote by Lewis Mumford, an American historian known for his study of cities and urban architecture,

"Restore human legs as a means of travel. Pedestrians rely on food for fuel 

and need no special parking facilities – 

The day Indians start using toilet paper

Time again to travel .. this time to US. My husband had let his first passport with 10 year validity, expire without a single visa stamping. That was before he met me. Now he is on the third passport within the same validity period since the pages got full. He has gotten so used to international travel. He has the same check-in bag whether we are off to Calcutta or Canada. But for international travel, he carries a small backpack with a quintessential empty mineral water bottle. Yes … AN EMPTY WATER BOTTLE!!  Am sure you have understood where am coming to - the empty bottle is a refill for butt-washing. The security check guys must be finding this weird. Others empty the water and throw the bottle ... whereas we throw the water and keep the empty bottle. 

I found this habit regressive initially ... Not anymore. 

Want to know why? - If every Indian starts using toilet papers, we would have to cut around 6 billion trees annually just for cleaning the tushies. At this rate we will cause more damage to the Earth than any other country can possible do.

An American or a Brit, who has only ever seen a toilet roll next to a toilet, may travel abroad and find one of the five following devices at his or her disposal.

• A porcelain bidet
• A bucket or barrel of water with a scooper ( found in most parts of India. Recently found this in 10 Downing St.. no .. not the one in UK.. but an upmarket night club in Hyderabad.. yes folks Hyderabad is having water problems )
• A shower spray called the health faucet (some call it bum shower)
• An electronic toilet seat that dispenses sprays or jets of warm water and may also air-dry the area (found this in Korea and Japan) 
• A pipe that shoots water upwards. (this one is tricky 'cos requires right placement)

There may be more systems than these five, but these are the common alternatives to simply using dry tissue paper to clean up. In rural and suburban India, it is not uncommon to see open air defecation ... railway track being an optional luxury. Quoting my dear friend George - 'Why do women cover their faces with the saree when pooping on the railway track?  Answer- One can identilfy the face.... but not the base!

Let us understand why westerners started using toilet papers. Using water to clean up was a bit uncomfortable out there due to the cold climate. Try cleaning your privates with ice cold water on a chill morning weather. Moreover, their food had less water content and their feces could be cleaned off easily with tissue papers as it was less messy. Wondering what they did before toilet paper?  ... well they used corncobs, sea shells, leaves and other natural resources.

But in a tropical country like India or other South East Asian countries, the usage of tissue papers to clean up could be considered nothing less than aping the western culture sans logic. Indian food has 70% water content and the poop is 85% water. It’s really messy to clean with tissue papers and that’s why we have been using water for many generations and we have been doing good.

If the westerners scoff at our habits, we have only to retort back that behind every half-clean tissue-wiped bottom are thousands of others using water to clean theirs. We , Indians, care for the environment ... butt naturally !!

Auto-filling your thoughts

Are you lost, unsure or bored? Then you can entertain yourself by trying some google autofills. It works like this... if you type the words “why do ” into Google’s query box it will lead you to a drop-down list of searches suggesting the next most likely conclusions. I have done this several times and trust me, it truly funny. These Google’s search engine algorithms, I understand are prompted by one’s location and often by search preferences. While some are in awe for its uncanny predictive accuracy, others find it as obnoxious as an intrusive Mom-in law.  I get a feeling the Google auto complete must have been designed by a married woman since they are adept in completing  thierhusbands' sentences, thoughts and questions.  

Try typing...'Is it Wr ' 

It is not only wrong Sir, it is probably a bad idea too to sleep with your mother, dog, cousin or your teacher. 


Here are some more funny ones. Type ' Do fa ', you would get the following prompts
1. Do farts light up on fire ?   (the answer is YES .. but don't try it.. there are simpler ways to have ur A** on fire like using certain words on ur boss)
2. Do farts have germs?  ( I checked out this one out and the answer is No ) 


Now on to some Indian Politicians 

Try Manmohan Singh.and the first thing which shows up is ..Manmohan Singh  is a puppet 

Try Narendra Modi and you will get 
.... is a married man
.....is a bastard
.... is a criminal
Narender Modi is not alone. A Japanese man discovered that the autocomplete function produced results of criminal acts in association with his name and has filed a petition against Google demanding it suspends the autocomplete function. 


Of late, many people have started hating Google instant. I wonder why the company is restricting the search when they claim they want to increase the user experience. Though there are various suggestions on how to turn off google's auto-suggestions by adjusting the settings, the simplest I do is ignore them and complete what I intended to. 


Either wear blinders or be prepared to get amused. 

Son over Self

Met up at a friends birthday party last week .. a few drinks down, good finger food and the Karachi bakery's  birthday cake kindled the arm chair activists in us and soon we were talking about 

UPA3 vs NDA

Rahul versus Modi

Congress vs Jagan

Chandra Babu Naidu vs other fitness experts ( assuming people compete only in their core  competence field)

Pranab Mukerjee vs .. well no one

Though the post for the president of India is a largely ceremonial post, this time it came up for a lot of debate.

The incumbent by all accounts had  the hallmarks of the government she represented  — ineffectual and damaged by accusations of corruption. Pratibha Devisingh Patil  was allotted defence land to build a cosy retirement nest. With 12 trips overseas since taking over, she also racked up foreign travel bills that cost India more than 2 billion rupees ($39 million), the most by any Indian head of state. Such lavishness has even led some to question the whole presidential institution within a parliamentary democracy. The president is the constitutional head but has limited powers, similar to that of the Queen in the UK despite living in a 340 room palace that was once the British Viceroy's residence .

If the position has limited power and Pranab Mukerjee is an epitome for austerity, then why this controversy .. controversy di?

Because … Pranab Mukerjee had to be cleared off the path to the prime ministerial post so that the Gandhi scion..... one Mr Rahul Gandhi can plonk his well moisturised derriere on it. If someone asked me I would rather have Amitabh Bachchan as the President. At least we wouldn’t need an interpreter to interpret his English or the chairman of the Tata Group, Mr Ratan Tata who is retiring in December may well be the best brand ambassador to project India’s growing business clout overseas. But who asks me ?

Good work to Mommy dear. She even got Mamta to do a complete U turn to support Pranabji. There are indications that she may even lead the 2014 campaign with Rahul as the PM candidate.  True Indian motherly feelings here. Son above self.  If she was any Italian she would be vying the chair herself. With over 500 political dynasties in India who between themselves have practically cornered almost all the political posts both in the centre and state, there is nothing wrong in one poor widow struggling to get her son into the family business.

Migliori auguri to Sonia!! ( ‘Best wishes’ in Italian) 

Midriff Crisis

Recently Walt Disney has decided to ban ads for junk food on its television channels, radio stations and websites, hoping to stop kids from eating badly and become obese. The reason?  ... more than one-third of U.S. adults (35.7%) are obese. I guess they are not too concerned about the person having obesity-related conditions like heart disease, stroke, diabetes as much as the costs associated with obesity which is expected to run over $344 billion. Non health-related changes include replacing wall-mounted toilets with floor models to better support obese patients. better buses for heavier riders, more gasoline consumption etc. Its all about money finally. 


May be they should learn a few things from the Japanese. Thanks to an Anti-obesity law passed in 2008, the middle aged Japanese across the nation are pulling up their shirts to have their midriff measured. A male with a waistline of more than 33.5 inches is considered fat. For a female, the limit is 35.4 inches. Those with excessive junk in the trunk are forced to undergo counseling with a doctor. The country simply said, “Heyy buddy, you look fat in that outfit. In fact you look fat in every outfit because ..get this,  YOU ARE FAT.  You need to see someone about that, man.” That's not it. For every grotesquely fat employee, the company gets hit by a fine. 


On one hand, this seems absolutely crazy and sounds like the kind of horrible eugenic policy that Hitler would admire. But when you think about it, it seems that only the truly crazy ones can get this thing done. The goal of all this is to prevent Japan from experiencing an obesity epidemic like other industrialized nations (read US)  Less the overweight people, lower the health care costs. It's time America institutes some of its own bizarre laws to have slimmer people. 


India is not far behind. The overall obesity average is 12%. Punjab is almost in par with America - 30% males and 37% females !!!  States like Bihar, MP and Bengal have the lowest rate 5-6%. Is India doing anything at all?  The answer is No. We did nothing for educating people on Diabetes and today we proudly have the title of being the Diabetic capital of the world. 

Obesity is not a personal problem. Individual choices would help though. But any intelligent government with reasonable long sightedness (not ours definitely) would consider it as a public health problems and tackle it accordingly. I have often wondered why many people are comfortable in their plus sized clothes. Their logic probably is 

"When we lose twenty pounds…we may be losing the best twenty pounds we have!

 We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.”

- Woody Allen